I don’t align my writings with the lunar cycles {anymore} - however, the words started bubbling out on the day of the full moon and I have learnt to surrender to their chosen stream by now.
The 6-month window from the New Moon in Cancer at the end of June 2025 until now has been one of major purification, alignment and transformation that has peaked just about now - and that’s why I want to share about it. Not about the seed-growth-culmination cycle in particular, but about the codes that are held within the frequency of the ancient and eternal “crab-mother”.
There are two parts: emotions and belonging.
They intertwine with each other.
It’s hard to believe in belonging when you feel nothing at all.
For years, even decades, I mistook my “non-emotional” life as a show of strength. I hardly ever cried, even when I wanted to. Even when it would have relieved or released something.
Similarly, I never felt true joy, which was even more annoying. The “upside” was that I trusted I could walk through life like an ice queen, with utter resilience and strength to endure anything that was thrown on my path. Drop me off in the middle of Antarctica, and somehow I’ll make it. The shell of this crab was made of steel.
While living in my emotionally-neutral-existence, I was always left wondering: how do all these people laugh and have fun, how are they able to forget the heaviness and anxiety, bypass fear and questions of survival?
Can {lasting} joy be induced by alcohol?
Drugs?
Prescription medication?
It was a blessing and a curse that my body could only semi-digest booze up to a certain threshold. I felt jealousy and annoyance looking at the people around me: human beings who could hang out, chatting, sipping wine and laughing for hours on end.
As I was unable to connect with my own emotional Self, the emotions presented by others felt foreign and illogical, sometimes overwhelming, mostly like an annoying weakness people have. The disdain for any open show of emotions, whether mine or someone else’s, is something I now feel deep compassion towards. The defense that my body had built around ensuring survival and “keeping going” was profound.
The truth is, allowing emotions to be felt requires a sense of safety (that I clearly lacked) and strength, especially when you allow yourself to consciously and fully surrender to the process. It takes courage to be honest about what moves through your system.
Ultimately, I had to accept that two decades worth of emotions had never left. They won’t move when there’s no permission for motion. I kept hoping that if I never keep still physically - when I constantly move between countries, people and situations - I can somehow avoid moving the inner inertia. Of course, I just postponed it.
Once I “put the lid on” in my adolescence, all the ingredients of my feelings stayed quietly stewing in a super-slow-cooker. And I made sure the lid stayed on for a very long time. Raising it felt like a threat to survival - I would have to deal with the familiar home-cooked goulash, rather than play with the new exciting recipes. I wanted fancy cake, not a thick stew to chew through.
The emotions bring us to belonging.
Literally.
Emotions - energy in motion - are the bridges that connect us in the human realm.
The stories we share only impact our life when they evoke feelings. We feel less alone when we expand compassion to all the paths each of us is travelling. Belonging is like an ancient tapestry, each soul a thread in it. Take one out, and the cosmic harmony is disturbed. You play a role in the symmetry of life.
While I wasn’t feeling anything, I also felt alone as I didn’t see the bridge that would connect me with everyone else in a true and meaningful way. I closed my ears to not hear the call to sit by the fire with all of humanity - as it would bring up too much grief for the time lost. The time I could have felt love and loved, care and cared for, joyful and sad. That I had actually belonged all the way.
Emotions are the pathway to intimacy with life, with oneself and another.
Sometimes grief is the energy that suddenly breaks the dam - providing the moment when the current gets so strong that there is no other way than to surrender to the flow of energy.
To let the wall of protection collapse.
I guess one of the most beautiful realisations was that underneath sadness and grief is the greatest love: you wouldn’t grieve anything or anyone that you actually didn’t care about. And why would you want to postpone love?
If my open and raw shares move something within you, please consider upgarding to paid subscription. I would love to keep these writings & codes available to everyone, and your support means the world to me! Thank you! Merilyn x
Thx to let us know your personal Development with honesty and strength