Open letter about the past... and the emerging timeline {a personal story} - PART 1
I gave myself 5 years to anchor the 5D timeline {without knowing that this is what I’m doing} - this is what happened…
THEN
For 15+ years, while globetrotting between different locations, seemingly keeping it going with relative success, my nervous system was familiar with unease and anxiety I could never really shake off. The renowned “outer success-inner turmoil” state that many can relate to.
Nothing I did truly brought any lasting change. No matter what or who I removed or added externally, the internal relief was short-lived. I learnt to pretend {embodiment} and perform {joy}. Act as if, they say…
At the same time, it felt like my soul was holding a remote control, and I’m just watching a movie with my reflection on the screen. I never felt anchored in my body, just an avatar, playing roles. On top of it, the remote control is running out of battery power, so pressing buttons {to change the channel} or trying to take the lead often translated into delays or a malfunctioning signal, resisting to play anything else than the old soap opera.
When you experience this long enough, you stop trusting the precision of the signal from the remote control {soul} to avatar {body}. It’s a scary realisation. It feels lonely and, well, remote.
However, this sense of separation is experienced by many. It’s almost like the thread that connects us is this subtle {or not so subtle} loneliness, the underlying state of melancholy from giving up on the belief that belonging is a birthright - despite playing the accepted roles. Never truly being in our bodies, or inhabiting our lives.
Most of my decisions were made from that state of underlying fear and anxiety, the primal instinct to keep the avatar alive until I can figure out how to transmit a clearer signal. It often manifested as seemingly impulsive actions to protect myself {that actually emerged from the long-held resentment, kept hidden as long as possible}: abruptly rejecting people, places and situations, or jumping on opportunities disguised as freedom, but underneath - desperate acts to grab onto any sense of relief, however short-term.
Also my relationships, especially intimate ones, seemed to be based on this wobbly ground. Yet, connection is what you crave the most in this state of disconnection - the hope that someone holds the key to fix the signal and restore coherence, or at least provide new batteries so you could keep trying.
THE PROCESS
After trying to create safety and failing for so long, I accepted that the only path is to re-build my inner architecture from ground up.
So in 2020 I returned to Estonia where I grew up, and escaped as soon as it became possible 16 years earlier. It meant starting from zero: going through a divorce; not having any community over here, having spent my adult years outside of the country; and nothing to my name apart from a book about cycles and archetypes {Moon Power} that came out in September that year.
Starting from zero was nothing new. I’d done it over & over again: in London, in Zürich, in San Francisco..and actually enjoyed the opportunity to reimagine my identity.
Looking back, I didn’t expect that the 5 years I decided to stay here will be much less about rebuilding {which has happened naturally} and much more about releasing & becoming comfortable with situations that felt like a death-threat every time I was even contemplating the possibility.
Earlier, it felt impossible to:
…give myself time out from the “creating & building mode” and take the foot of the gas aka going full-force with ten different projects at a time.
Who am I without external output?
Not doing anything felt like death. I believed that the way to “be valuable” is to convey information through an exhaustive list of offers, events and programmes, without understanding that this is what exhausts and collapses my own field.
…say no to helping {saving} people, missions, organisations {that needed to go through the “death-rebirth” process on their own}, and jumping head first into a shared trauma-state, again and again.
How dare I not sacrifice myself in the name of serving?
Giving myself time to consider if the offers & agreements I’m presented with are actually aligned felt impossible - it seemed that the only path was to accept the “breadcrumbs” that were on the table, and keep “serving” {in order to survive}.
…stay steady with my own mission; having enough nervous system capacity to hold the pressure, instead of going through a continuous start-stop-start-stop cycle.
I felt I’m too different / far out and no-one will understand me anyway. If it hasn’t taken off by now, how would it be different in the future? I quickly felt exhausted from trying.
It took the most profound shedding of old skins - the deepest excavation and initiation I’d experienced to date - to come to the core: accepting that my purpose & “service” is not a complex set of structures, but something essentially simple:
holding my original core frequency & transmitting a coherent signal.
I don’t need to “produce” anything.
I am already a ready-made-piece.
The frequency does not need a programme with a bow on top to be felt.
And the required connection, containers and communities will unfold naturally, without forcing.
COMING SOON: PART 2 → 5 distilled learnings that anchored the new frequency
so precious .